Not tonight, honey

No blog tonight............please check back tomorrow. Thank you all for reading!

Some, ummmmm "minor", adjustments

So isn't be a parent so much fun? I love rolling around in our king sized bed, or the floor, or even the grass with my little guy. He loves standing and being "held up".......and just held too. There's not much I can do to relieve the pain of doing any of these activities to leave just the pure fun of it. So needless to say, I do it anyway. I pay for it later, but I don't want my little guy missing out on anything I should normally be able to do for him. Its just simple stuff that makes him so happy I can't deny him!
I make up for it for myself when we just cuddle and read until he falls asleep. That is my favorite part of each day. I feel so at peace when we have this time together. And nothing is better than having my little man fall asleep in my arms; before I know it he'll be more interested in girls than cuddling with mommy. So I'll take what I can get while the gettin is good!
However, there are days I am feeling guilty about wishing he was a bit bigger or beyond his current stage just because when he's bigger (unfortunately much bigger) I can explain to him that mommy hurts sometimes or can't do something he wants because it is too painful. I hate to wish my baby's life away on him. And I love him at this age. I also do love being needed by him. I want to enjoy everything and remember everything in a good way, not how much it hurt holding him or playing with him. There are even times when I hurt so badly and he is either wanting nothing but to be held or he is just simply miserable and I don't know how I will get through it. That's when it is hard enough being a new mom, nevermind hurting on top of it. But I do what I can for him to keep him happy and plan on taking some Advil later (Can't and don't want to take anything stronger because I am breastfeeding and major painkillers just make me a zombie).
There are even very simple things that are just terribly hard to do, like putting his car seat in the grocery shopping cart. Since I am all of 5ft nothing, lifting him anywhere is usually cumbersome...car seat or not. I sometimes wish I could strap him onto a baby forklift to get him where he needs to be! I keep my eyes open for any kinds of contraptions or inventions that will make life easier, but eventually I will be going to the grocery store sans-baby, or at least with daddy!

Rain, rain, go away....forever!

This is going to be a short one. I am super exhausted from a busy day with my two favorite guys. But anywhoo, I was telling my hubby today that it seems insane to me that my arm hurts so much more than usual when we are going to have crappy (mostly rainy) weather. Days like these I wish I lived in the desert! (But other than that, I doubt I'd like it there!) My arm felt simply horrific yesterday, but today when it was pouring like crazy it actually felt a little better than it did the day before. Strange........and I am NOT a fan of this. (It is even hurting to type this, so I am finished for today. Not much rambling, but I promise to make up for it!)
Ahhh well. At least I KNOW when its going to rain and the weatherman doesn't! =0P Hmmmmm........new career?? Ha ha! Doubt that! But call me before you plan to go picnicking!

And the winner is..............

Well, the U Penn doctor who didn't scare off so easily was a nice fella. Unfortunately, he told me my options and I am not a fan of anything he has to offer. After an exam and x-rays, he reports to me that the reason I am hurting is that I have bone on bone arthritis. Greeeeaaaaaaaaaat! He seems to think that my best option is to fuse my arm........so it will never bend again. I will be able to use it because I can move my shoulder, but no elbow movement. Ummmmmmmmmmmm, no. That just isn't going to work with me. I can't imagine how I'd pick up my little guy and pull him toward me if I can't bend my elbow. And I wouldn't be able to turn my wrist to put my palm up either. I immediately start going through the things I won't be able to do. No feeding myself with that hand, how will I eat a burger; forget doing my hair in a simple ponytail, how will I even put on a bra? So, I tell him I'm not a fan of this idea. He begins to explain that eventually the arthritis will get so bad that my arm WON'T be able to move at the elbow eventually anyway, so my decision to fuse it will be made FOR me once it has deteriorated. He doesn't however, know how long that will take.
I then ask about a replacement. He says that is also an option, but I would be restricted for the rest of my life with the amount of weight I can pick up with me right arm so that the replacement doesn't wear out. That would mean I can not pick up my son. That is DEFINITELY OUT! I can't imagine NEVER picking up my little man ever again. I tell him I will start weighing my options. In the meantime, he wants me to get an EMG to check for ulnar neropathy (that may be why I get numbness and tingling in my fingers). He'll go over the results with me over the phone and we'll discuss what needs to or can be done for any problems there.
He will also discuss my situation with other doctors at U Penn and see if they can come up with any other ideas/suggestions. To see if I get any relief, he gives me a Cortizone shot. Only problem with that was when half of it leaked out because it hit some of the arthroplasty that is in my elbow and it couldn't get into the joint like it should. SIGH. Story of my life........
I got some pain relief a few days later, but nothing terribly significant. Maybe if I get another one I will see if I can get the shot on the inside of my arm. It will probably hurt because it is really sensitive there, but maybe it will get into the joint better and be able to do its job. I can get another shot in 6 months, so we'll see then I guess.

Emotional rollercoasters

So the idea of searching for a new doctor doesn't thrill me, but it has to be done in order to find out what options I have to possibly feel better. Good old Northeast PA is where I obviously start since I live here and all, and since I don't have a family doctor (yeah, I know, I'll get on that sooner or later) I call my insurance company and ask for a participating doctor. I get the number for a group (who shall remain anonymous) and call. I explain I have had 2 surgeries by Dr. A at NY HSS, and one by Dr. B at the University of Maryland. I also give them a very brief overview of what each surgery resulted in and I explain that I was told that none of these surgeries were meant to be a permanent fix since I am so young and active, yadda, yadda, yadda. I further explain that I am a nursing mother not interested in NSAIDs or painkillers, I would just like to be seen to discuss possible options and/or next steps. Anyway, I am told that the doctor in this NEPA group will review this information I had given them and I would get a call back.
Not as much as an hour later, I get a call back and they leave me a message saying that they, "Feel there is nothing we can do for you at this time". Ummmmmmm WHAT??? Are you not an orthopaedic group? Isn't that your JOB??? It's not like I called a dermatologist here! WTF? SOOOOO I call back and ask what they mean. Again all I get is they, "Feel there is nothing we can do for you at this time" and then hang up abruptly.
Have I done something wrong? Why won't this doctor see me? Does he think I'm kidding? Does he think I'm crazy, seeking drugs, something like that? Well, I am out of the house (I was actually baby-free for a little bit to de-stress, ha!) so I decide to show up at their office, but now I am in tears because no one is willing to help me and I honestly didn't REALLY want to seek help in the first place but I did since I know I have to and this is how I am treated! UGH!
So, into the office I march and right up to the window in the waiting room that is full of patients. I begin to explain, with my elbow scar in plain view, that I called and asked to see a doctor and I want to know why no one will help me. I think I have scared the receptionist at this point, who mind you, looks all of 12 years old. She starts scrambling on the phone to get a hold of someone for an answer for me. Next, in comes the woman I apparently spoke with on the phone and she keeps repeating they can't help at this time blah, blah, blah as I ask if they can direct me to someone who can. Well, then the story is that if Dr. A in the group says no, it is the same answer for all of them. OK, anyone NOT in the group you can suggest? Them: No. Me: (to self) GREAT! Thanks! (Outloud) OK, if you can't help me at this time, can you help me in say, 6 months, a year? What does that mean? Them: No, not in 6 months or a year, we feel we can't help you. Me: Why? You don't have THE ABILITY or KNOWLEDGE to help me? (I am getting louder by this point and people are boring holes into my back so hard I can feel it) Them: We can not help you at this time. Please leave. Me: Thank you. I leave, still crying because I don't want to be arrested or something. I head home feeling defeated and like I should have never started this process.
However, earlier during the day, I called my friend to see how she was doing. (It was weird that this all happened on the same day) She understands my situation (I will not explain why or give her name to keep her privacy), so talking to her does help a lot. I tell her a bit of what happened. She suggests a doctor she has seen at U Penn. They take our insurance, so I get his number.
I call for an appointment the next day and they schedule me to see someone the following day! WOW! I am really impressed and surprised. I apparently didn't scare this one off! So the next day it is off to Philly we go (leaving my little guy in the capable hands of my friends) with mixed emotions; I'm glad someone is actually going to SEE me before perhaps telling me to pound sand but I am afraid he is going to tell me to pound sand or something else I don't want to hear..........................

Overthrowing the Dictatorship

Since my injury, I have often said about many things, "I can't do that because of my arm". Now I am by no means ever expectant to go walking around doing handstands or do single right arm push ups, but I do feel like I have missed out on some things I normally would have tried. For example, my husband bought a great exercise program in which each day there are different kinds of workouts. I had decided to try out the program because I do enjoy physical activity and did want to get rid of some weight. There were a few things here and there I was unable to do, but I pushed through and did other things to fill the time of the things I was unable to do. This wasn't so bad.....until I came to day 3 or 4 when the workout was yoga. I watched the first 40 minutes of this video unable to do ANYTHING that was being instructed. After those 40 minutes, I was completely crushed and disappointed in myself. I am healthy. There is "nothing wrong" but this stupid elbow thing, so what's the problem? (I now know the answer is I was simply in denial.) So, I ended up sitting on the floor of our shower bawling my eyes out because I am so messed up I can't even do simple beginner's yoga.....everyone is doing yoga......why not me?
When I learned I was going to be a mother, I knew my little dictator elbow was going to become an even more powerful leader of my life. I began searching for strollers light enough for me to use when my baby was an infant and I knew those clunky travel systems would be too cumbersome for me to manage alone. I had a tall order however, since I wanted something light that I could use with the car seat (so I didn't have to take the baby in and out of something if he/she was sleeping). After much internet and baby store shopping, I found the Baby Trend Snap n Go stroller.......exactly what I needed. (Thank you Corey and Katie for the shower gift!) First mission accomplished!
Second, I knew I'd need some kind of carrier I can attach to my body. I got a Snuggli, which works well and wasn't crazy expensive (it was also a shower gift from my registry....Thanks Nicole, Jason and Landon). I was on a roll!! When this baby came I would be ready for him/her!
Yeah right! Among the CRAZY postpartum hormones, I also began to hurt, ache, pinch, stab, shoot, etc. in my elbow worse than ever. And he was only 4lbs 15oz! It wasn't and still really isn't totally a weight problem, it is mostly the movement. My little dictator is lazy and when I make it move, it gets angry and hurts me. As my little man is getting bigger, the movement is obviously becoming more and more difficult. After he hit the 10lb mark, I then knew I was going to need to start looking for some other kinds of help......medical help for my elbow. But what?
And so the search began yet another time..................time to fix my dictator's little red wagon. But is it medically possible?? How in the world am I going to go through another surgery with a little person that needs me? I am nursing, so it will have to wait until he is at least a year old (or done with nursing). How will I emotionally handle not being able to pick up my little guy? Is it even worth it? How do I choose what is the right thing to do for myself and my child? IS there something that will work for our family?

Thank you

Wow! I have been thinking of getting things off my chest before, but now that I am actually doing it (and having witnesses) I have started to wonder how in the world will I keep said witnesses interested in my ramblings? And ramble I will, so no fear of being let down there! Please don't think this blog is meant as a place for me to whine about hurting all the time; that os not my intent. Let's just stick with if you feel like asking how my arm is feeling/doing, "it hurts" is the answer to save us all time AND energy. Don't get me wrong, some days are better than others, but even when those days happen, it still hurts. Now that we've gotten that covered, let's get onto today's ramblings.
My mother has always told me to be sure to send Thank You notes, so here I go with some. I am very thankful for all the blessings that I have in my life. Not everything is terrible in my life, so today I want to acknowledge the good.
First, my parents. I can NEVER thank them enough for everything they have done for me. I don't mean just the parenting (I didn't ALWAYS like everything they did, but what child ever does like everything their parents do for/to them?). As far as I am concerned, my parents have gone above and beyond their call of duty. I have always said that if I am half the mother my mom was to me, I will consider myself a successful parent. Now that I am a parent, I have no idea how my mom managed the things she did and I thank her for that. I know I can never repay my parents for everything they have done for me, but I will do as they taught me and do my best in everything in an attempt to make them proud of me always. (OK, Mom stop crying now, I'm done.) ;)
My husband; how lucky am I, seriously?? This wonderful man has managed to not only put up with me, but he loves me despite all my shortcomings (of which there are many). Things have not always been perfect by any means, but we are stronger together because of these imperfections. And we are stronger now than ever before...GO TEAM SMALLS! =0) Thank you my dear, sweet, wonderful man, for everything you do for me and for us as a family. Not only are you a wonderful husband, but you are an amazing daddy. I just love knowing that you and I have created this incredible new little person out of love for each other.
My friends; what in the world would I do without all of you??? Some of you have managed to put up with me since elementary school (Susanna) and some of you have recently come into my life (Lynnie, a few years now), but regardless of how long we have known each other, or even how often we talk, I can only hope that those of you who are so special to me know it.
Thank you one and all for all your support, love, help and even respect. A bit of my heart belongs to each and every one of you.
I'll do my best to continue my ramblings about 5 days a week and also do my best not to disappoint!