Emotional rollercoasters

So the idea of searching for a new doctor doesn't thrill me, but it has to be done in order to find out what options I have to possibly feel better. Good old Northeast PA is where I obviously start since I live here and all, and since I don't have a family doctor (yeah, I know, I'll get on that sooner or later) I call my insurance company and ask for a participating doctor. I get the number for a group (who shall remain anonymous) and call. I explain I have had 2 surgeries by Dr. A at NY HSS, and one by Dr. B at the University of Maryland. I also give them a very brief overview of what each surgery resulted in and I explain that I was told that none of these surgeries were meant to be a permanent fix since I am so young and active, yadda, yadda, yadda. I further explain that I am a nursing mother not interested in NSAIDs or painkillers, I would just like to be seen to discuss possible options and/or next steps. Anyway, I am told that the doctor in this NEPA group will review this information I had given them and I would get a call back.
Not as much as an hour later, I get a call back and they leave me a message saying that they, "Feel there is nothing we can do for you at this time". Ummmmmmm WHAT??? Are you not an orthopaedic group? Isn't that your JOB??? It's not like I called a dermatologist here! WTF? SOOOOO I call back and ask what they mean. Again all I get is they, "Feel there is nothing we can do for you at this time" and then hang up abruptly.
Have I done something wrong? Why won't this doctor see me? Does he think I'm kidding? Does he think I'm crazy, seeking drugs, something like that? Well, I am out of the house (I was actually baby-free for a little bit to de-stress, ha!) so I decide to show up at their office, but now I am in tears because no one is willing to help me and I honestly didn't REALLY want to seek help in the first place but I did since I know I have to and this is how I am treated! UGH!
So, into the office I march and right up to the window in the waiting room that is full of patients. I begin to explain, with my elbow scar in plain view, that I called and asked to see a doctor and I want to know why no one will help me. I think I have scared the receptionist at this point, who mind you, looks all of 12 years old. She starts scrambling on the phone to get a hold of someone for an answer for me. Next, in comes the woman I apparently spoke with on the phone and she keeps repeating they can't help at this time blah, blah, blah as I ask if they can direct me to someone who can. Well, then the story is that if Dr. A in the group says no, it is the same answer for all of them. OK, anyone NOT in the group you can suggest? Them: No. Me: (to self) GREAT! Thanks! (Outloud) OK, if you can't help me at this time, can you help me in say, 6 months, a year? What does that mean? Them: No, not in 6 months or a year, we feel we can't help you. Me: Why? You don't have THE ABILITY or KNOWLEDGE to help me? (I am getting louder by this point and people are boring holes into my back so hard I can feel it) Them: We can not help you at this time. Please leave. Me: Thank you. I leave, still crying because I don't want to be arrested or something. I head home feeling defeated and like I should have never started this process.
However, earlier during the day, I called my friend to see how she was doing. (It was weird that this all happened on the same day) She understands my situation (I will not explain why or give her name to keep her privacy), so talking to her does help a lot. I tell her a bit of what happened. She suggests a doctor she has seen at U Penn. They take our insurance, so I get his number.
I call for an appointment the next day and they schedule me to see someone the following day! WOW! I am really impressed and surprised. I apparently didn't scare this one off! So the next day it is off to Philly we go (leaving my little guy in the capable hands of my friends) with mixed emotions; I'm glad someone is actually going to SEE me before perhaps telling me to pound sand but I am afraid he is going to tell me to pound sand or something else I don't want to hear..........................

Overthrowing the Dictatorship

Since my injury, I have often said about many things, "I can't do that because of my arm". Now I am by no means ever expectant to go walking around doing handstands or do single right arm push ups, but I do feel like I have missed out on some things I normally would have tried. For example, my husband bought a great exercise program in which each day there are different kinds of workouts. I had decided to try out the program because I do enjoy physical activity and did want to get rid of some weight. There were a few things here and there I was unable to do, but I pushed through and did other things to fill the time of the things I was unable to do. This wasn't so bad.....until I came to day 3 or 4 when the workout was yoga. I watched the first 40 minutes of this video unable to do ANYTHING that was being instructed. After those 40 minutes, I was completely crushed and disappointed in myself. I am healthy. There is "nothing wrong" but this stupid elbow thing, so what's the problem? (I now know the answer is I was simply in denial.) So, I ended up sitting on the floor of our shower bawling my eyes out because I am so messed up I can't even do simple beginner's yoga.....everyone is doing yoga......why not me?
When I learned I was going to be a mother, I knew my little dictator elbow was going to become an even more powerful leader of my life. I began searching for strollers light enough for me to use when my baby was an infant and I knew those clunky travel systems would be too cumbersome for me to manage alone. I had a tall order however, since I wanted something light that I could use with the car seat (so I didn't have to take the baby in and out of something if he/she was sleeping). After much internet and baby store shopping, I found the Baby Trend Snap n Go stroller.......exactly what I needed. (Thank you Corey and Katie for the shower gift!) First mission accomplished!
Second, I knew I'd need some kind of carrier I can attach to my body. I got a Snuggli, which works well and wasn't crazy expensive (it was also a shower gift from my registry....Thanks Nicole, Jason and Landon). I was on a roll!! When this baby came I would be ready for him/her!
Yeah right! Among the CRAZY postpartum hormones, I also began to hurt, ache, pinch, stab, shoot, etc. in my elbow worse than ever. And he was only 4lbs 15oz! It wasn't and still really isn't totally a weight problem, it is mostly the movement. My little dictator is lazy and when I make it move, it gets angry and hurts me. As my little man is getting bigger, the movement is obviously becoming more and more difficult. After he hit the 10lb mark, I then knew I was going to need to start looking for some other kinds of help......medical help for my elbow. But what?
And so the search began yet another time..................time to fix my dictator's little red wagon. But is it medically possible?? How in the world am I going to go through another surgery with a little person that needs me? I am nursing, so it will have to wait until he is at least a year old (or done with nursing). How will I emotionally handle not being able to pick up my little guy? Is it even worth it? How do I choose what is the right thing to do for myself and my child? IS there something that will work for our family?

Thank you

Wow! I have been thinking of getting things off my chest before, but now that I am actually doing it (and having witnesses) I have started to wonder how in the world will I keep said witnesses interested in my ramblings? And ramble I will, so no fear of being let down there! Please don't think this blog is meant as a place for me to whine about hurting all the time; that os not my intent. Let's just stick with if you feel like asking how my arm is feeling/doing, "it hurts" is the answer to save us all time AND energy. Don't get me wrong, some days are better than others, but even when those days happen, it still hurts. Now that we've gotten that covered, let's get onto today's ramblings.
My mother has always told me to be sure to send Thank You notes, so here I go with some. I am very thankful for all the blessings that I have in my life. Not everything is terrible in my life, so today I want to acknowledge the good.
First, my parents. I can NEVER thank them enough for everything they have done for me. I don't mean just the parenting (I didn't ALWAYS like everything they did, but what child ever does like everything their parents do for/to them?). As far as I am concerned, my parents have gone above and beyond their call of duty. I have always said that if I am half the mother my mom was to me, I will consider myself a successful parent. Now that I am a parent, I have no idea how my mom managed the things she did and I thank her for that. I know I can never repay my parents for everything they have done for me, but I will do as they taught me and do my best in everything in an attempt to make them proud of me always. (OK, Mom stop crying now, I'm done.) ;)
My husband; how lucky am I, seriously?? This wonderful man has managed to not only put up with me, but he loves me despite all my shortcomings (of which there are many). Things have not always been perfect by any means, but we are stronger together because of these imperfections. And we are stronger now than ever before...GO TEAM SMALLS! =0) Thank you my dear, sweet, wonderful man, for everything you do for me and for us as a family. Not only are you a wonderful husband, but you are an amazing daddy. I just love knowing that you and I have created this incredible new little person out of love for each other.
My friends; what in the world would I do without all of you??? Some of you have managed to put up with me since elementary school (Susanna) and some of you have recently come into my life (Lynnie, a few years now), but regardless of how long we have known each other, or even how often we talk, I can only hope that those of you who are so special to me know it.
Thank you one and all for all your support, love, help and even respect. A bit of my heart belongs to each and every one of you.
I'll do my best to continue my ramblings about 5 days a week and also do my best not to disappoint!

The first of many................

In an effort to do a little self-therapy, I have decided to start talking and anyone who wants can listen. I am by no means anyone outstanding, but I do have a problem, a big problem, a nightmare come true if you will. I have never really said this about myself out loud (because I am admittedly in denial most of the time), but I am disabled. I do not have full use of my dominate arm. I am right handed and as a result of a snowboarding injury, I can not lift very much of anything with that arm. It is difficult and painful to perform daily, simple tasks such as lifting a fork to my mouth, drinking a glass of water, drying my hair, writing, etc, etc, etc. I still do these things however; mostly because I hate to admit to myself that there is a problem and also because I still have to do these things anyway! Thankfully, unless you really know me, you'd never know anything was wrong. I do have a scar, about the length of a dollar bill, on the outside of my right arm and it can't be totally straightened, but not many people notice. I try not to complain, because it honestly doesn't help, so why bother, but people who are close to me can tell when I am hurting despite efforts to hide it.
How it all began: when I was 16, I broke my elbow. No big deal, right? That's what I thought. However, 10 years and 3 surgeries later it still hurts.....a lot ..........and seemingly can't be fixed. I have seen more doctors than my toilet seat has seen ass and I have heard/tried it all it seems.
Since this accident I have wondered how it would effect my life as a mother (which is always something I have very much looked forward to becoming). Now my greatest fears have become a reality: I am having a very hard time with holding/lifting my son. Since my son was born on December 30, 2008 picking up my bundle of joy has become horrifically more painful (both physically and emotionally) as he grows. Ideally, an elbow replacement would make it better, but replacements are not meant to be for someone young and active (nevermind a new mother who lifts her baby 100+ times a day). Not to mention if I were to get a replacement, I would be VERY restricted for the rest of my life concerning what I would be able to lift. This means I would not be able to pick up my son, so therefore I have decided this is not an option at this point in my life. That being said, I need to somehow deal with the pain and do my best for my baby, disablility or not. But enough of the background, on to the meat of all of this I suppose.
It is hard enough being a new mom; being in pain all the time doesn't help and it is so terribly hard to be happy and enjoy my sweet little man when I am always hurting. Now I have decided to proclaim myself as the ABLE Dis-Abled Mom (ADAM for short) and talk about it in the effort to help myself and hopefully other disabled mothers cope. I hope to get feedback from others too. I certainly know things could always be worse, but this is my problem and it is unique in itself and disruptive enough to have a need for an outlet. I am not looking for sympathy, just listen if you care to and help me in my quest to find some kind of peace with what life has handed me. I may have a disability, but I strive to be ABLE to do anything any other mother can do.