Murphy's Law

Seems like things always happen when you least want them or expect them to! We were having a great day yesterday (the big guy crawled!)then all of a sudden I discovered our basement freezer shit the bed on us! EVERYTHING was thawing! We had just gotten over $300 worth of meat and were scrambling at almost 11 pm to get everything into another freezer. NOT FUN! Total buzz kill!
But I guess that's one of the moments that you need to return your focus to the good things (although its not easy) and get over the crappy stuff as quickly as possible. Being a parent (and a homeowner) seems to me to mean this kind of stuff fills your life.......good, bad......up, down......you've just got to find a way to deal with it. The easiest thing I've found to do is to take a deep breath and look at my little guy. Just a glance at his sweet little face (even if he's screaming bloody murder) snaps me back to thinking that no matter what is going on, I have this little person who is depending on me. It doesn't matter if the pipes are leaking, it doesn't matter if things are breaking, he needs ME (well, us really) and we will make everything in his world all right. And it is my plan to do just that for as long as I possibly can.

Just a note: We are headed South for vaca, so posts may be very short and sweet or non-existent for about a week!! =0)

Latest and greatest!

My little guy crawled today!! I am so elated that I don't even remember what else I wanted to talk about tonight!! I am so proud of him! How exciting! What a great parent moment! (Looks like I need to start baby proofing!!!!)

Sorry, I don't know what else to write......I am too excited about the crawling!

????

Tonight is just one of those nights......and I have no idea what to discuss. We're getting ready to visit my visit my parents and I am just wanting to be there already! I miss my mommy. It is hard being away from the both of them, but I am glad they are happy so I can't be selfish. And it is nice to have a free vacation spot!! =0)
I do like that our little guy will have different opportunities and experiences than my husband and I did simply because his grandparents don't live in the area. They live down south, so there are so many different things there to experience. And they live so close to Savannah, GA which is beautiful and educational and simply amazing; I'm a bit jealous that he will get to experience it at a younger age than I first did. I am very glad he will get those opportunities however. I remember my mom saying something to the effect of she always wanted to give me the things she couldn't have as a kid and she and my dad did such an amazing job with providing me with everything I needed and so much more........I just hope I can exceed even all that they did for me, for our kiddo.
I sometime wonder how they did it; how they managed to give me all they did. I don't like to think I was spoiled, but I did get a lot of the things I wanted and had many opportunities that other kids didn't. Looking back on it now, I am simply amazed and truly grateful for everything they did. I can only hope that someday, our little guy will be thinking the same thing about my husband and I.

Forgetting

When I got pregnant, I simultaneously became insanely stupid. I apparently forgot everything I ever knew all because this little person was growing inside of me. As my little one got bigger, I seemingly continued to get dumber. I was told that this pregnancy "side effect" would go away (eventually.....maybe not until my child started attending school however) so I am slowly but surely regaining my functioning gray matter.
One of the craziest parts of my forgetfulness is that I just realized I forgot about how other people perceive me. A lot of people don't know me as a mom (or even my nickname,"Momma"); they just know me as who I was before I became a mom. And I do suppose I have changed since taking on my new role, but I really didn't think of the extent. My own mother said to me that she didn't imagine me as a breastfeeding mother. I'm sure some people I know never would have thought to see me as a stay at home mom either. I don't believe that people are surprised by my new role as a parent, but its just not the first thought that comes to mind when they think of me.
All this being acknowledged, I wonder if I am acting differently. Besides the obvious lifestyle change of becoming more of a homebody and talking more about diapers and spit up than gossip and partying, I wonder if I am noticeably different in the social situations I have. Admittedly, I am probably a bit happier to be out without child since it happens so infrequently, but is there anything else? Is it different to be with me? Is it harder or different to be my friend?

Hurdles

Each day is an adventure and a gift. Sometimes it is a good adventure and sometimes it isn't, but the important thing is to learn from the mistakes you make and move on. However, some days are just out of the ordinary, nothing goes right or the way it is "supposed to" and you need it to just end so you can start over again tomorrow. I call those days hurdles. Your patience is tested, your endurance, your strength. And often, parents find that the smallest (yet most important) people in their lives are the ones creating these hurdles; testing you, to see how strong you really are. Not everyone is perfect. And everyone handles stress differently. I am not good with stress. I often respond in a way I later wish I hadn't. I do try to remember not to repeat the same reactions, but I am unconsciously stubborn, so I often do things I don't really want to do again in spite of myself.
Every once in awhile, a "hurdle" accidentally happens. For example, the first time my little guy got hurt, I was devastated. I never thought my heart would heal, nevermind his minor scrapes. His car seat tipped over and he scratched his fingers. I was holding onto his car seat, so I have no idea how exactly it happened other than it was because I was holding onto it with my bad arm and it gave away on me/him. So yes, it was my fault. I felt like I was the most horrible mother ever to live. Why did I have it with that arm? What was I thinking? Oh it was awful! But I learned from it. And hopefully the next "hurdle" he throws my way won't be physically painful for my little man. I am sure there will be plenty of scrapes and bruises he causes himself!! =0)
The unfortunate part about deing a parent is there is no dress rehearsal; you've got to improvise 24-7. And just because something worked 2 days ago does not mean it will today. You do get to learn your little people, but just when you think you've got it nailed down, they up and change on you. Gotta always be ready for more hurdles!

Acceptance

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

I am hoping to change what I can, improving myself and my perception of self. I know I can not change anything with my arm without the help of a medical professional, but there are still things I can do. I am thankfully otherwise healthy, so why not? Exercise helps you sleep better and releases endorphins that actually make you feel better. Better than antidepressants! NOt to mention the benefits to the skin and all the internal health benefits.

Working off baby weight can be tough for anyone, but workout routines for those who are disabled are sometimes not possible without extra effort. The videos you can buy in stores are devastating to the self esteem (as I have totally experienced first hand) and I don't even want to think about how a disabled person would attempt a class at a gym. Without an explanation to the instructor, I'd feel like he/she would think I was just being a slacker. No one wants to be "THAT GUY". Obviously, I won't be pumping iron to beef up, but getting more active will certainly help me feel better by changing what I can. I do wish it were easier to find activities to do, but with a little work, I am sure I will come across things that are doable and enjoyable and not monotonous. Also, since my husband knows about personal training, I can use him as a resource. Now just to find the time and energy to get workouts in!!

No more excuses, I will find things I can do and stop beating myself up about the things I can't.

Looking toward the future

So who isn't afraid of the unknown of the future? There is so much to look forward to; so many, many possibilities. Some things may get better, some may get worse.....some things may even stay the same. I can only hope that the good things always outweigh the bad. I know I have mentioned that I hate wishing my baby's life away, but there are so many things I am just looking forward to enjoying with him; things he will remember too. Big things like trips, first days of school, sports and little things like ice cream in summer, snowmen in winter and everything in between. Every day I am amazed with how fulfilling being a mommy can be.
I am also afraid things will be worse with my arm. I'm not so much worried for my own sake, but I worry that there will be major things I can't do for my little man. I now do things I "shouldn't", but I still can technically do them, so I do, only to pay for them later. What do I do when something hurts so badly I really can't do it? How will my little guy feel? Will he be embarrassed by me? What if it is something that he needs me to do for him?
I know it doesn't do anyone justice to worry about things that are out of our control, but I feel that I have worries above and beyond that of a "normal" parent. What if I need another surgery? How will I take care of my guy? I can barely take care of myself after a surgery.....what ever will I do? I'd be devastated if he came into any kind of harm because I am not at the top of my game. Thankfully I have an amazing family and husband, but even with their help, I don't know how I'd be able to sit back and not do any "mommy" duties......even the very simple things. Even the pain in the rear end things are important to me because without the "unpleasantries", it just isn't really parenting in my mind. It is what I am used to doing as my full-time job, so it'd be like getting fired only to have to sit back and watch as my family filled my old position.

Not tonight, honey

No blog tonight............please check back tomorrow. Thank you all for reading!

Some, ummmmm "minor", adjustments

So isn't be a parent so much fun? I love rolling around in our king sized bed, or the floor, or even the grass with my little guy. He loves standing and being "held up".......and just held too. There's not much I can do to relieve the pain of doing any of these activities to leave just the pure fun of it. So needless to say, I do it anyway. I pay for it later, but I don't want my little guy missing out on anything I should normally be able to do for him. Its just simple stuff that makes him so happy I can't deny him!
I make up for it for myself when we just cuddle and read until he falls asleep. That is my favorite part of each day. I feel so at peace when we have this time together. And nothing is better than having my little man fall asleep in my arms; before I know it he'll be more interested in girls than cuddling with mommy. So I'll take what I can get while the gettin is good!
However, there are days I am feeling guilty about wishing he was a bit bigger or beyond his current stage just because when he's bigger (unfortunately much bigger) I can explain to him that mommy hurts sometimes or can't do something he wants because it is too painful. I hate to wish my baby's life away on him. And I love him at this age. I also do love being needed by him. I want to enjoy everything and remember everything in a good way, not how much it hurt holding him or playing with him. There are even times when I hurt so badly and he is either wanting nothing but to be held or he is just simply miserable and I don't know how I will get through it. That's when it is hard enough being a new mom, nevermind hurting on top of it. But I do what I can for him to keep him happy and plan on taking some Advil later (Can't and don't want to take anything stronger because I am breastfeeding and major painkillers just make me a zombie).
There are even very simple things that are just terribly hard to do, like putting his car seat in the grocery shopping cart. Since I am all of 5ft nothing, lifting him anywhere is usually cumbersome...car seat or not. I sometimes wish I could strap him onto a baby forklift to get him where he needs to be! I keep my eyes open for any kinds of contraptions or inventions that will make life easier, but eventually I will be going to the grocery store sans-baby, or at least with daddy!

Rain, rain, go away....forever!

This is going to be a short one. I am super exhausted from a busy day with my two favorite guys. But anywhoo, I was telling my hubby today that it seems insane to me that my arm hurts so much more than usual when we are going to have crappy (mostly rainy) weather. Days like these I wish I lived in the desert! (But other than that, I doubt I'd like it there!) My arm felt simply horrific yesterday, but today when it was pouring like crazy it actually felt a little better than it did the day before. Strange........and I am NOT a fan of this. (It is even hurting to type this, so I am finished for today. Not much rambling, but I promise to make up for it!)
Ahhh well. At least I KNOW when its going to rain and the weatherman doesn't! =0P Hmmmmm........new career?? Ha ha! Doubt that! But call me before you plan to go picnicking!

And the winner is..............

Well, the U Penn doctor who didn't scare off so easily was a nice fella. Unfortunately, he told me my options and I am not a fan of anything he has to offer. After an exam and x-rays, he reports to me that the reason I am hurting is that I have bone on bone arthritis. Greeeeaaaaaaaaaat! He seems to think that my best option is to fuse my arm........so it will never bend again. I will be able to use it because I can move my shoulder, but no elbow movement. Ummmmmmmmmmmm, no. That just isn't going to work with me. I can't imagine how I'd pick up my little guy and pull him toward me if I can't bend my elbow. And I wouldn't be able to turn my wrist to put my palm up either. I immediately start going through the things I won't be able to do. No feeding myself with that hand, how will I eat a burger; forget doing my hair in a simple ponytail, how will I even put on a bra? So, I tell him I'm not a fan of this idea. He begins to explain that eventually the arthritis will get so bad that my arm WON'T be able to move at the elbow eventually anyway, so my decision to fuse it will be made FOR me once it has deteriorated. He doesn't however, know how long that will take.
I then ask about a replacement. He says that is also an option, but I would be restricted for the rest of my life with the amount of weight I can pick up with me right arm so that the replacement doesn't wear out. That would mean I can not pick up my son. That is DEFINITELY OUT! I can't imagine NEVER picking up my little man ever again. I tell him I will start weighing my options. In the meantime, he wants me to get an EMG to check for ulnar neropathy (that may be why I get numbness and tingling in my fingers). He'll go over the results with me over the phone and we'll discuss what needs to or can be done for any problems there.
He will also discuss my situation with other doctors at U Penn and see if they can come up with any other ideas/suggestions. To see if I get any relief, he gives me a Cortizone shot. Only problem with that was when half of it leaked out because it hit some of the arthroplasty that is in my elbow and it couldn't get into the joint like it should. SIGH. Story of my life........
I got some pain relief a few days later, but nothing terribly significant. Maybe if I get another one I will see if I can get the shot on the inside of my arm. It will probably hurt because it is really sensitive there, but maybe it will get into the joint better and be able to do its job. I can get another shot in 6 months, so we'll see then I guess.