Murphy's Law

Seems like things always happen when you least want them or expect them to! We were having a great day yesterday (the big guy crawled!)then all of a sudden I discovered our basement freezer shit the bed on us! EVERYTHING was thawing! We had just gotten over $300 worth of meat and were scrambling at almost 11 pm to get everything into another freezer. NOT FUN! Total buzz kill!
But I guess that's one of the moments that you need to return your focus to the good things (although its not easy) and get over the crappy stuff as quickly as possible. Being a parent (and a homeowner) seems to me to mean this kind of stuff fills your life.......good, bad......up, down......you've just got to find a way to deal with it. The easiest thing I've found to do is to take a deep breath and look at my little guy. Just a glance at his sweet little face (even if he's screaming bloody murder) snaps me back to thinking that no matter what is going on, I have this little person who is depending on me. It doesn't matter if the pipes are leaking, it doesn't matter if things are breaking, he needs ME (well, us really) and we will make everything in his world all right. And it is my plan to do just that for as long as I possibly can.

Just a note: We are headed South for vaca, so posts may be very short and sweet or non-existent for about a week!! =0)

Latest and greatest!

My little guy crawled today!! I am so elated that I don't even remember what else I wanted to talk about tonight!! I am so proud of him! How exciting! What a great parent moment! (Looks like I need to start baby proofing!!!!)

Sorry, I don't know what else to write......I am too excited about the crawling!

????

Tonight is just one of those nights......and I have no idea what to discuss. We're getting ready to visit my visit my parents and I am just wanting to be there already! I miss my mommy. It is hard being away from the both of them, but I am glad they are happy so I can't be selfish. And it is nice to have a free vacation spot!! =0)
I do like that our little guy will have different opportunities and experiences than my husband and I did simply because his grandparents don't live in the area. They live down south, so there are so many different things there to experience. And they live so close to Savannah, GA which is beautiful and educational and simply amazing; I'm a bit jealous that he will get to experience it at a younger age than I first did. I am very glad he will get those opportunities however. I remember my mom saying something to the effect of she always wanted to give me the things she couldn't have as a kid and she and my dad did such an amazing job with providing me with everything I needed and so much more........I just hope I can exceed even all that they did for me, for our kiddo.
I sometime wonder how they did it; how they managed to give me all they did. I don't like to think I was spoiled, but I did get a lot of the things I wanted and had many opportunities that other kids didn't. Looking back on it now, I am simply amazed and truly grateful for everything they did. I can only hope that someday, our little guy will be thinking the same thing about my husband and I.

Forgetting

When I got pregnant, I simultaneously became insanely stupid. I apparently forgot everything I ever knew all because this little person was growing inside of me. As my little one got bigger, I seemingly continued to get dumber. I was told that this pregnancy "side effect" would go away (eventually.....maybe not until my child started attending school however) so I am slowly but surely regaining my functioning gray matter.
One of the craziest parts of my forgetfulness is that I just realized I forgot about how other people perceive me. A lot of people don't know me as a mom (or even my nickname,"Momma"); they just know me as who I was before I became a mom. And I do suppose I have changed since taking on my new role, but I really didn't think of the extent. My own mother said to me that she didn't imagine me as a breastfeeding mother. I'm sure some people I know never would have thought to see me as a stay at home mom either. I don't believe that people are surprised by my new role as a parent, but its just not the first thought that comes to mind when they think of me.
All this being acknowledged, I wonder if I am acting differently. Besides the obvious lifestyle change of becoming more of a homebody and talking more about diapers and spit up than gossip and partying, I wonder if I am noticeably different in the social situations I have. Admittedly, I am probably a bit happier to be out without child since it happens so infrequently, but is there anything else? Is it different to be with me? Is it harder or different to be my friend?

Hurdles

Each day is an adventure and a gift. Sometimes it is a good adventure and sometimes it isn't, but the important thing is to learn from the mistakes you make and move on. However, some days are just out of the ordinary, nothing goes right or the way it is "supposed to" and you need it to just end so you can start over again tomorrow. I call those days hurdles. Your patience is tested, your endurance, your strength. And often, parents find that the smallest (yet most important) people in their lives are the ones creating these hurdles; testing you, to see how strong you really are. Not everyone is perfect. And everyone handles stress differently. I am not good with stress. I often respond in a way I later wish I hadn't. I do try to remember not to repeat the same reactions, but I am unconsciously stubborn, so I often do things I don't really want to do again in spite of myself.
Every once in awhile, a "hurdle" accidentally happens. For example, the first time my little guy got hurt, I was devastated. I never thought my heart would heal, nevermind his minor scrapes. His car seat tipped over and he scratched his fingers. I was holding onto his car seat, so I have no idea how exactly it happened other than it was because I was holding onto it with my bad arm and it gave away on me/him. So yes, it was my fault. I felt like I was the most horrible mother ever to live. Why did I have it with that arm? What was I thinking? Oh it was awful! But I learned from it. And hopefully the next "hurdle" he throws my way won't be physically painful for my little man. I am sure there will be plenty of scrapes and bruises he causes himself!! =0)
The unfortunate part about deing a parent is there is no dress rehearsal; you've got to improvise 24-7. And just because something worked 2 days ago does not mean it will today. You do get to learn your little people, but just when you think you've got it nailed down, they up and change on you. Gotta always be ready for more hurdles!

Acceptance

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

I am hoping to change what I can, improving myself and my perception of self. I know I can not change anything with my arm without the help of a medical professional, but there are still things I can do. I am thankfully otherwise healthy, so why not? Exercise helps you sleep better and releases endorphins that actually make you feel better. Better than antidepressants! NOt to mention the benefits to the skin and all the internal health benefits.

Working off baby weight can be tough for anyone, but workout routines for those who are disabled are sometimes not possible without extra effort. The videos you can buy in stores are devastating to the self esteem (as I have totally experienced first hand) and I don't even want to think about how a disabled person would attempt a class at a gym. Without an explanation to the instructor, I'd feel like he/she would think I was just being a slacker. No one wants to be "THAT GUY". Obviously, I won't be pumping iron to beef up, but getting more active will certainly help me feel better by changing what I can. I do wish it were easier to find activities to do, but with a little work, I am sure I will come across things that are doable and enjoyable and not monotonous. Also, since my husband knows about personal training, I can use him as a resource. Now just to find the time and energy to get workouts in!!

No more excuses, I will find things I can do and stop beating myself up about the things I can't.

Looking toward the future

So who isn't afraid of the unknown of the future? There is so much to look forward to; so many, many possibilities. Some things may get better, some may get worse.....some things may even stay the same. I can only hope that the good things always outweigh the bad. I know I have mentioned that I hate wishing my baby's life away, but there are so many things I am just looking forward to enjoying with him; things he will remember too. Big things like trips, first days of school, sports and little things like ice cream in summer, snowmen in winter and everything in between. Every day I am amazed with how fulfilling being a mommy can be.
I am also afraid things will be worse with my arm. I'm not so much worried for my own sake, but I worry that there will be major things I can't do for my little man. I now do things I "shouldn't", but I still can technically do them, so I do, only to pay for them later. What do I do when something hurts so badly I really can't do it? How will my little guy feel? Will he be embarrassed by me? What if it is something that he needs me to do for him?
I know it doesn't do anyone justice to worry about things that are out of our control, but I feel that I have worries above and beyond that of a "normal" parent. What if I need another surgery? How will I take care of my guy? I can barely take care of myself after a surgery.....what ever will I do? I'd be devastated if he came into any kind of harm because I am not at the top of my game. Thankfully I have an amazing family and husband, but even with their help, I don't know how I'd be able to sit back and not do any "mommy" duties......even the very simple things. Even the pain in the rear end things are important to me because without the "unpleasantries", it just isn't really parenting in my mind. It is what I am used to doing as my full-time job, so it'd be like getting fired only to have to sit back and watch as my family filled my old position.

Not tonight, honey

No blog tonight............please check back tomorrow. Thank you all for reading!

Some, ummmmm "minor", adjustments

So isn't be a parent so much fun? I love rolling around in our king sized bed, or the floor, or even the grass with my little guy. He loves standing and being "held up".......and just held too. There's not much I can do to relieve the pain of doing any of these activities to leave just the pure fun of it. So needless to say, I do it anyway. I pay for it later, but I don't want my little guy missing out on anything I should normally be able to do for him. Its just simple stuff that makes him so happy I can't deny him!
I make up for it for myself when we just cuddle and read until he falls asleep. That is my favorite part of each day. I feel so at peace when we have this time together. And nothing is better than having my little man fall asleep in my arms; before I know it he'll be more interested in girls than cuddling with mommy. So I'll take what I can get while the gettin is good!
However, there are days I am feeling guilty about wishing he was a bit bigger or beyond his current stage just because when he's bigger (unfortunately much bigger) I can explain to him that mommy hurts sometimes or can't do something he wants because it is too painful. I hate to wish my baby's life away on him. And I love him at this age. I also do love being needed by him. I want to enjoy everything and remember everything in a good way, not how much it hurt holding him or playing with him. There are even times when I hurt so badly and he is either wanting nothing but to be held or he is just simply miserable and I don't know how I will get through it. That's when it is hard enough being a new mom, nevermind hurting on top of it. But I do what I can for him to keep him happy and plan on taking some Advil later (Can't and don't want to take anything stronger because I am breastfeeding and major painkillers just make me a zombie).
There are even very simple things that are just terribly hard to do, like putting his car seat in the grocery shopping cart. Since I am all of 5ft nothing, lifting him anywhere is usually cumbersome...car seat or not. I sometimes wish I could strap him onto a baby forklift to get him where he needs to be! I keep my eyes open for any kinds of contraptions or inventions that will make life easier, but eventually I will be going to the grocery store sans-baby, or at least with daddy!

Rain, rain, go away....forever!

This is going to be a short one. I am super exhausted from a busy day with my two favorite guys. But anywhoo, I was telling my hubby today that it seems insane to me that my arm hurts so much more than usual when we are going to have crappy (mostly rainy) weather. Days like these I wish I lived in the desert! (But other than that, I doubt I'd like it there!) My arm felt simply horrific yesterday, but today when it was pouring like crazy it actually felt a little better than it did the day before. Strange........and I am NOT a fan of this. (It is even hurting to type this, so I am finished for today. Not much rambling, but I promise to make up for it!)
Ahhh well. At least I KNOW when its going to rain and the weatherman doesn't! =0P Hmmmmm........new career?? Ha ha! Doubt that! But call me before you plan to go picnicking!

And the winner is..............

Well, the U Penn doctor who didn't scare off so easily was a nice fella. Unfortunately, he told me my options and I am not a fan of anything he has to offer. After an exam and x-rays, he reports to me that the reason I am hurting is that I have bone on bone arthritis. Greeeeaaaaaaaaaat! He seems to think that my best option is to fuse my arm........so it will never bend again. I will be able to use it because I can move my shoulder, but no elbow movement. Ummmmmmmmmmmm, no. That just isn't going to work with me. I can't imagine how I'd pick up my little guy and pull him toward me if I can't bend my elbow. And I wouldn't be able to turn my wrist to put my palm up either. I immediately start going through the things I won't be able to do. No feeding myself with that hand, how will I eat a burger; forget doing my hair in a simple ponytail, how will I even put on a bra? So, I tell him I'm not a fan of this idea. He begins to explain that eventually the arthritis will get so bad that my arm WON'T be able to move at the elbow eventually anyway, so my decision to fuse it will be made FOR me once it has deteriorated. He doesn't however, know how long that will take.
I then ask about a replacement. He says that is also an option, but I would be restricted for the rest of my life with the amount of weight I can pick up with me right arm so that the replacement doesn't wear out. That would mean I can not pick up my son. That is DEFINITELY OUT! I can't imagine NEVER picking up my little man ever again. I tell him I will start weighing my options. In the meantime, he wants me to get an EMG to check for ulnar neropathy (that may be why I get numbness and tingling in my fingers). He'll go over the results with me over the phone and we'll discuss what needs to or can be done for any problems there.
He will also discuss my situation with other doctors at U Penn and see if they can come up with any other ideas/suggestions. To see if I get any relief, he gives me a Cortizone shot. Only problem with that was when half of it leaked out because it hit some of the arthroplasty that is in my elbow and it couldn't get into the joint like it should. SIGH. Story of my life........
I got some pain relief a few days later, but nothing terribly significant. Maybe if I get another one I will see if I can get the shot on the inside of my arm. It will probably hurt because it is really sensitive there, but maybe it will get into the joint better and be able to do its job. I can get another shot in 6 months, so we'll see then I guess.

Emotional rollercoasters

So the idea of searching for a new doctor doesn't thrill me, but it has to be done in order to find out what options I have to possibly feel better. Good old Northeast PA is where I obviously start since I live here and all, and since I don't have a family doctor (yeah, I know, I'll get on that sooner or later) I call my insurance company and ask for a participating doctor. I get the number for a group (who shall remain anonymous) and call. I explain I have had 2 surgeries by Dr. A at NY HSS, and one by Dr. B at the University of Maryland. I also give them a very brief overview of what each surgery resulted in and I explain that I was told that none of these surgeries were meant to be a permanent fix since I am so young and active, yadda, yadda, yadda. I further explain that I am a nursing mother not interested in NSAIDs or painkillers, I would just like to be seen to discuss possible options and/or next steps. Anyway, I am told that the doctor in this NEPA group will review this information I had given them and I would get a call back.
Not as much as an hour later, I get a call back and they leave me a message saying that they, "Feel there is nothing we can do for you at this time". Ummmmmmm WHAT??? Are you not an orthopaedic group? Isn't that your JOB??? It's not like I called a dermatologist here! WTF? SOOOOO I call back and ask what they mean. Again all I get is they, "Feel there is nothing we can do for you at this time" and then hang up abruptly.
Have I done something wrong? Why won't this doctor see me? Does he think I'm kidding? Does he think I'm crazy, seeking drugs, something like that? Well, I am out of the house (I was actually baby-free for a little bit to de-stress, ha!) so I decide to show up at their office, but now I am in tears because no one is willing to help me and I honestly didn't REALLY want to seek help in the first place but I did since I know I have to and this is how I am treated! UGH!
So, into the office I march and right up to the window in the waiting room that is full of patients. I begin to explain, with my elbow scar in plain view, that I called and asked to see a doctor and I want to know why no one will help me. I think I have scared the receptionist at this point, who mind you, looks all of 12 years old. She starts scrambling on the phone to get a hold of someone for an answer for me. Next, in comes the woman I apparently spoke with on the phone and she keeps repeating they can't help at this time blah, blah, blah as I ask if they can direct me to someone who can. Well, then the story is that if Dr. A in the group says no, it is the same answer for all of them. OK, anyone NOT in the group you can suggest? Them: No. Me: (to self) GREAT! Thanks! (Outloud) OK, if you can't help me at this time, can you help me in say, 6 months, a year? What does that mean? Them: No, not in 6 months or a year, we feel we can't help you. Me: Why? You don't have THE ABILITY or KNOWLEDGE to help me? (I am getting louder by this point and people are boring holes into my back so hard I can feel it) Them: We can not help you at this time. Please leave. Me: Thank you. I leave, still crying because I don't want to be arrested or something. I head home feeling defeated and like I should have never started this process.
However, earlier during the day, I called my friend to see how she was doing. (It was weird that this all happened on the same day) She understands my situation (I will not explain why or give her name to keep her privacy), so talking to her does help a lot. I tell her a bit of what happened. She suggests a doctor she has seen at U Penn. They take our insurance, so I get his number.
I call for an appointment the next day and they schedule me to see someone the following day! WOW! I am really impressed and surprised. I apparently didn't scare this one off! So the next day it is off to Philly we go (leaving my little guy in the capable hands of my friends) with mixed emotions; I'm glad someone is actually going to SEE me before perhaps telling me to pound sand but I am afraid he is going to tell me to pound sand or something else I don't want to hear..........................

Overthrowing the Dictatorship

Since my injury, I have often said about many things, "I can't do that because of my arm". Now I am by no means ever expectant to go walking around doing handstands or do single right arm push ups, but I do feel like I have missed out on some things I normally would have tried. For example, my husband bought a great exercise program in which each day there are different kinds of workouts. I had decided to try out the program because I do enjoy physical activity and did want to get rid of some weight. There were a few things here and there I was unable to do, but I pushed through and did other things to fill the time of the things I was unable to do. This wasn't so bad.....until I came to day 3 or 4 when the workout was yoga. I watched the first 40 minutes of this video unable to do ANYTHING that was being instructed. After those 40 minutes, I was completely crushed and disappointed in myself. I am healthy. There is "nothing wrong" but this stupid elbow thing, so what's the problem? (I now know the answer is I was simply in denial.) So, I ended up sitting on the floor of our shower bawling my eyes out because I am so messed up I can't even do simple beginner's yoga.....everyone is doing yoga......why not me?
When I learned I was going to be a mother, I knew my little dictator elbow was going to become an even more powerful leader of my life. I began searching for strollers light enough for me to use when my baby was an infant and I knew those clunky travel systems would be too cumbersome for me to manage alone. I had a tall order however, since I wanted something light that I could use with the car seat (so I didn't have to take the baby in and out of something if he/she was sleeping). After much internet and baby store shopping, I found the Baby Trend Snap n Go stroller.......exactly what I needed. (Thank you Corey and Katie for the shower gift!) First mission accomplished!
Second, I knew I'd need some kind of carrier I can attach to my body. I got a Snuggli, which works well and wasn't crazy expensive (it was also a shower gift from my registry....Thanks Nicole, Jason and Landon). I was on a roll!! When this baby came I would be ready for him/her!
Yeah right! Among the CRAZY postpartum hormones, I also began to hurt, ache, pinch, stab, shoot, etc. in my elbow worse than ever. And he was only 4lbs 15oz! It wasn't and still really isn't totally a weight problem, it is mostly the movement. My little dictator is lazy and when I make it move, it gets angry and hurts me. As my little man is getting bigger, the movement is obviously becoming more and more difficult. After he hit the 10lb mark, I then knew I was going to need to start looking for some other kinds of help......medical help for my elbow. But what?
And so the search began yet another time..................time to fix my dictator's little red wagon. But is it medically possible?? How in the world am I going to go through another surgery with a little person that needs me? I am nursing, so it will have to wait until he is at least a year old (or done with nursing). How will I emotionally handle not being able to pick up my little guy? Is it even worth it? How do I choose what is the right thing to do for myself and my child? IS there something that will work for our family?

Thank you

Wow! I have been thinking of getting things off my chest before, but now that I am actually doing it (and having witnesses) I have started to wonder how in the world will I keep said witnesses interested in my ramblings? And ramble I will, so no fear of being let down there! Please don't think this blog is meant as a place for me to whine about hurting all the time; that os not my intent. Let's just stick with if you feel like asking how my arm is feeling/doing, "it hurts" is the answer to save us all time AND energy. Don't get me wrong, some days are better than others, but even when those days happen, it still hurts. Now that we've gotten that covered, let's get onto today's ramblings.
My mother has always told me to be sure to send Thank You notes, so here I go with some. I am very thankful for all the blessings that I have in my life. Not everything is terrible in my life, so today I want to acknowledge the good.
First, my parents. I can NEVER thank them enough for everything they have done for me. I don't mean just the parenting (I didn't ALWAYS like everything they did, but what child ever does like everything their parents do for/to them?). As far as I am concerned, my parents have gone above and beyond their call of duty. I have always said that if I am half the mother my mom was to me, I will consider myself a successful parent. Now that I am a parent, I have no idea how my mom managed the things she did and I thank her for that. I know I can never repay my parents for everything they have done for me, but I will do as they taught me and do my best in everything in an attempt to make them proud of me always. (OK, Mom stop crying now, I'm done.) ;)
My husband; how lucky am I, seriously?? This wonderful man has managed to not only put up with me, but he loves me despite all my shortcomings (of which there are many). Things have not always been perfect by any means, but we are stronger together because of these imperfections. And we are stronger now than ever before...GO TEAM SMALLS! =0) Thank you my dear, sweet, wonderful man, for everything you do for me and for us as a family. Not only are you a wonderful husband, but you are an amazing daddy. I just love knowing that you and I have created this incredible new little person out of love for each other.
My friends; what in the world would I do without all of you??? Some of you have managed to put up with me since elementary school (Susanna) and some of you have recently come into my life (Lynnie, a few years now), but regardless of how long we have known each other, or even how often we talk, I can only hope that those of you who are so special to me know it.
Thank you one and all for all your support, love, help and even respect. A bit of my heart belongs to each and every one of you.
I'll do my best to continue my ramblings about 5 days a week and also do my best not to disappoint!

The first of many................

In an effort to do a little self-therapy, I have decided to start talking and anyone who wants can listen. I am by no means anyone outstanding, but I do have a problem, a big problem, a nightmare come true if you will. I have never really said this about myself out loud (because I am admittedly in denial most of the time), but I am disabled. I do not have full use of my dominate arm. I am right handed and as a result of a snowboarding injury, I can not lift very much of anything with that arm. It is difficult and painful to perform daily, simple tasks such as lifting a fork to my mouth, drinking a glass of water, drying my hair, writing, etc, etc, etc. I still do these things however; mostly because I hate to admit to myself that there is a problem and also because I still have to do these things anyway! Thankfully, unless you really know me, you'd never know anything was wrong. I do have a scar, about the length of a dollar bill, on the outside of my right arm and it can't be totally straightened, but not many people notice. I try not to complain, because it honestly doesn't help, so why bother, but people who are close to me can tell when I am hurting despite efforts to hide it.
How it all began: when I was 16, I broke my elbow. No big deal, right? That's what I thought. However, 10 years and 3 surgeries later it still hurts.....a lot ..........and seemingly can't be fixed. I have seen more doctors than my toilet seat has seen ass and I have heard/tried it all it seems.
Since this accident I have wondered how it would effect my life as a mother (which is always something I have very much looked forward to becoming). Now my greatest fears have become a reality: I am having a very hard time with holding/lifting my son. Since my son was born on December 30, 2008 picking up my bundle of joy has become horrifically more painful (both physically and emotionally) as he grows. Ideally, an elbow replacement would make it better, but replacements are not meant to be for someone young and active (nevermind a new mother who lifts her baby 100+ times a day). Not to mention if I were to get a replacement, I would be VERY restricted for the rest of my life concerning what I would be able to lift. This means I would not be able to pick up my son, so therefore I have decided this is not an option at this point in my life. That being said, I need to somehow deal with the pain and do my best for my baby, disablility or not. But enough of the background, on to the meat of all of this I suppose.
It is hard enough being a new mom; being in pain all the time doesn't help and it is so terribly hard to be happy and enjoy my sweet little man when I am always hurting. Now I have decided to proclaim myself as the ABLE Dis-Abled Mom (ADAM for short) and talk about it in the effort to help myself and hopefully other disabled mothers cope. I hope to get feedback from others too. I certainly know things could always be worse, but this is my problem and it is unique in itself and disruptive enough to have a need for an outlet. I am not looking for sympathy, just listen if you care to and help me in my quest to find some kind of peace with what life has handed me. I may have a disability, but I strive to be ABLE to do anything any other mother can do.